Diary of an Epistemological Nazi

“You’re the best dad in the whole wide world!”

I cringed. Like Adam who likely had a flurry of compulsions simultaneously hit him for the first time after eating the forbidden fruit, the strong compulsion to respond in a logical manner hit me. See, I have an aversion to statistical and philosophical inadequacies that I tend to want to correct every so often.

I looked at her bright face, waiting in anticipation for my response. I could follow my compulsions and explain, “That is a very unreliable statement”. 

This would likely draw a quizzical look from her. The quick transition from excitement to confusion would undoubtedly be comical.

“You see, given your very limited experience with other fathers, or what we statistical theorists call the sample size, and given that there are billions of fathers, your sample size is too small, thereby making the margin of error for that statement substantially high. Therefore, sweetie, me being the best dad in the world is highly statistically unreliable.”

I would feel the tension subside, my muscles relax, my heartbeat normalize, and perhaps some dopamine would spurt around my brain, providing me with a sense of satisfaction and happiness. Like a cocaine addict having his fix after a period of delay, I would feel the world dissipate around me, leaving me floating in the abyss of ecstasy.

On the other hand, my sweetie-pie – of course, metaphorically speaking, she is closer in character to a honey-flavoured biscuit, if a rigourous technical metaphorical analysis were to be conducted. But it is apparently unconventional and ‘not fun’ to refer to my daughter as honey-flavoured biscuit, or even just HFB – would have held her hand to her face and heave a sigh of frustration. Even a “thank you sweetie” would have sufficed for her.

“The less controversial statement would be to say that I am a good dad.”

“Okay dad, you’re a good dad.”

Yet I was not completely satisfied.

“Even that is not without its ambiguities.”

“Argh!” She would yell.

“A good dad would have to be rigidly defined and possibly indexed, and my performance as a father would then be compared to this ideal.”

Satisfaction complete. 

She’s just six years old, I would think. I need to ignore my compulsion and do the right thing.

 

“You’re the best daughter in the universe!”

“Provided there are other intelligent societies on other planets, else it is more efficient to simply use earth as the comparative boundary.”

Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) Blames Excess Liquidity on Supernatural Forces

In conventional monetary economics, theories explaining the phenomenon of inflation (that is, the rise in prices of goods and services over time) are the monetarist theory and the structural inflation theory, but last week the Nigerian central bank, CBN, proposed a supernatural theory of inflation.

In its analysis of inflation trends over past decades, the bank identified witch doctors, particularly operating in Benin, Edo, and some Southeastern states, for artificially increasing the money supply and causing inflation. The bank referred to the practice whereby clients seeking wealth and riches visit these witch doctors. They in turn provide the client with some container (typically a pot) from which they could 'withdraw' money contingent upon certain rituals and sacrifices being made; because the money given is not from existing money in circulation, this amounts to artificial increases in money supply. Moreover, because the client typically has to pay in terms of years of life and/or human sacrifice, this is also contributing to low life expectancy and high violent crime rate in the country. 

The bank has expressed frustration over its inability to get a hold of inflation, first due to the expansive use of cash in the country in the informal economy and shadow economy, and now due to practices in the supernatural economy. Its cashless policy and BVN (Biometric Verification Number) drives were aimed at overcoming some of these challenges, but there is concern over whether the witch doctors can adapt to technology. There is already evidence suggesting that due to the pressures of globalization and competition from India, the Caribbean islands, and other supernatural powerhouses, Nigerian witch doctors are finding new ways to stay competitive - one of which is embracing the fourth industrial revolution and becoming more technology savvy by investing in ICT and digital shrines, as well as computerized ritual processes that are still acceptable to the gods. Such trends may spillover into the supernatural economy. 

Sources suggest that there is already a rising fad among witch doctors to change their titles from 'baba' and 'native doctor' to divine consultants or spiritual analysts, demonstrating the increasing professionalism of the sector. Some have formally registered their shrines as legal businesses, adopting names such as "Power for Nada Ltd" and "Ogbanje and Sons".

However, an economist of the supernatural economy says that a cashless supernatural economy would make it much easier to detect supernatural increases in the money supply, as it would involve money appearing in the client's bank account from nowhere. Yet this optimism may be threatened by some observations that deities are advising witch doctors to hire yahoo boys as technology consultants in order to bypass banking security and digital accounting systems and mask digital money appearances in bank accounts. Even within the supernatural realm, sources say there are discussions of appointing a deity of technological capacity (given that there are deities for almost every aspect of reality), in an obvious attempt to catch up to the 21st century.

The bank has organized stakeholder meetings with the Association of Nigerian Wizards and Witches in an attempt to facilitate discussions about possible regulation of the supernatural economy.

Globalization Hits Nigerian Witchdoctors Hard

In an era of declining transportation and information costs, Nigerian witch doctors are increasingly struggling to adapt to the pressures of globalization. Nigerians seeking spiritual solutions can now more easily seek them from neighboring countries like Benin Republic and Togo, and distant countries like India and the Caribbean Islands. This is as a result of the expansion of the global village through technology. Yet, academics and journalists of the spiritual economy have largely neglected to assess the impacts of this trend on Nigerian witch doctors.

Even the deities are feeling the effects of globalization. Just a few years ago they were very selective in demanding high prices for their interventions, now the prices have dropped significantly. One deity in Akwa Ibom that used to demand the blood of a fair-skinned young female virgin for a money ritual now requests pubic hair of a virgin goat for the same ritual. "Situation is critical," laments a witch doctor who was interviewed, "my deities are pressurizing me to upgrade my business model and update my equipment to attract customers. I am currently working on different promos, such as give two of your enemies elephantiasis for the price of one."

The desperation of Nigerian witch doctors can also be seen by spatial changes. Whereas, decades ago most of them situated their shrines deep inside forests and bushes such that seekers of their powers would incur heavy transportation costs, today most have moved to the fringes of the forest, putting up signs to notify and direct passers by, and organizing flash mobs (featuring the sacred dance of the gods) as a marketing strategy; others have moved into urban residences in residential areas, while many have gone fully digital, attracting clients through the internet without the clients needing to make a physical journey. 

In order to compete, some witch doctors have begun investing in research and development. Many are competing with foreign deities they know nothing about, hence they are trying to understand their competition's methods (catching up to the technology frontier), emulate such methods, and/or modify them. 

For those unable to survive the increased competition, exiting the business is the only option. The number of practitioners in the sector has thus been declining steadily since 2000. The winners have been the consumers of supernatural powers/services and Christians, who have long been opposed to the practices of witch doctors. "God is using the mechanism of market competition to crush the forces of evil and to send demonic forces out of business," said one Christian minister, enthusiastically.

Mickey Mouse from Hell

The hall at once became silent when Mickey Mouse (a man in a Mickey Mouse costume) jumped onto the stage and approached the crowd of children with open arms in anticipation of hugs from the little children. 

What occurred was the opposite of what the entertainer had schematized. Apparently, the eyes of the costume reflected the red light which lit the entire hall. Consequently, instead of looking like a large harmless cartoon character, the costume had glowing red eyes and a devilish smile that sent the crowd into a frenzy. 

Children started yelling for their parents and some children ran out of the hall. The funniest thing that my eyes caught - and one of the funniest things that I have seen in my life - was a grown woman rebuking Mickey Mouse and calling upon the God of Abraham and Isaac to deliver her from the demon which was terrorizing the hall.

Conversations #1: Scientificity of the Spiritual

"The danger is not in the evil that lurks behind the shadows. The danger is, in fact, not knowing what seeks to harm you."

The professor's statement made Jonathan a little uneasy. All his life, he had heard about cultures and religions around the world that believed in the existence of an immaterial realm within the material one. A realm denizened by beings of superior power and intellect. A realm where the fates of men were determined. Jonathan knew of mythologies which tell of evil beings which slither unseen through human affairs; causing harm and wreaking havoc without restraint and human recognition. He thought they were all inane, nonsensical, based on primitive perceptions and ancient unscientific ideology. But for Professor Adam, a maven in the world of science, to push away science and affirm the existence of a spiritual world, Jonathan did not know what to believe anymore.

"Professor, are you saying that the science which you and I know of is false, and the forces of this spiritual world you allege to exist are the determinants of the natural events that take place within this world?" Paul, one of the six students asked. 

They were having a conversation with Professor Adam in his office. It had sparked off from the topic of the law of vibration. This was the 5th session of academic arguments Professor Adam was having with those same students; although Jonathan was a new face to the clique.

"What is your name again? I keep forgetting." The Professor calmly asked.

"It's Paul, sir." 

"Ah, yes, Paul. Can you define a system for me, Paul?" 

The young man quizzically looked to his left at Jonathan and turned back to face the Professor. He thought the Professor was trying to prevaricate.

"Uhm, a system is a set of connected things which work together to form a whole."

"Well done! Now, isn't your body comprised of systems?" Asked the Professor. A slight smile pushed his grey moustache upwards. His face seemed to smoothen as he spoke. 

Paul nodded his head in agreement.

"Your respiratory system works on its own, but contributes and connects to your muscular system which also connects to the nervous system, and so on. Likewise, the entire universe comprises of multifarious systems, connected to each other at certain points. All these systems are necessary for the universe to exist. From the system of energy conversion to the system of life formation, all these are connected to each other. Now, because certain individuals do not recognise the fact that not all of these systems are known to them, they conjecture no other sytem exists apart from the ones they are cognizant of. Therefore, the elements of modern science known to you and I are not false, but are only a component of larger elements within a system of infinite systems. 

At this time the Professor's front teeth were visible from his smile. It was apparent that he was enjoying his monologue. The room remained quiet for a short while until the Professor arose from his chair.

"I really enjoyed this conversation, and I implore you, always think beyond the purview of established laws of logic; for is it not by thinking beyond them that men of science created more laws?"

All the students also stood up to leave the Professor's office. 

When Souls Become Demonic

"Control your soul Mr Right! Lest it escapes a second time."

Mr Right strengthened his spirit. His muscular constrictions, visible to any observer, reflected the battle he was fighting within himself. He moaned in pain as his soul clawed to escape its shell.

"Hurry Doctor! My spirit weakens with every passing moment," Mr Right said, clenching his fists.

"The potion is almost ready," the Doctor responded.

Mr Right's moans escalated into screams. It was apparent that his soul was winning. It was only a matter of time before it slid out from Mr Right's body.

"In the name of the almighty, I infuse the power of Elohim into this vial. With the authority of the Lord of hosts, I command your soul to be bound to your body!" With that monologue, the Doctor forced the liquid into Mr Right's mouth.

One long, loud scream erupted from Mr Right's mouth, like a burst of molten magma from a volcano. In just a few moments, the battle was over. Mr Right collapsed into relaxing unconsciousness almost immediately.


"Thank you Lord, for another victory." The Doctor muttered, as he bowed his head.

"Doctor, this is the 16th case of soul snatching we have treated in just eight days. We need to inform the Reverends that the search for a permanent panacea must be expedited," said the Doctor's apprentice, who had been in the chamber all the while.

"I am sure the Reverends are aware of the precariousness of the situation that is upon us all. You have to understand that this is a most delicate and unusual case we face. We do not battle demons, no no no, we battle the souls of men, acting like demons. We do not know how this came to be. Lucifer must have found a way to infuse a daemon element into the souls of men. But, we should let the Reverends consult with Jehovah to find a soulution. Apart from that, we will just have to continue binding souls."

"But Doctor, can't we just destroy or contain the escaped souls somewhere more secure?"

"Men fall into apythanatosis when their souls are absent within them. Their lives fade away as they continue to be in that state. That is why it is necessary to bind the souls within them, even if the souls always find ways to escape."

"Then it means -"

"You ask too many questions boy! Go and fetch more olive oil for the potion."

"Yes Doctor."

Falling: Chapter 1a

Check out the Prologue at: http://fantasticshortstoriesonline.blogspot.com/2013/04/falling-prologue.html

                          CHAPTER ONE: AN INTRODUCTION TO A NEW WORLD

History is the term used to refer to all past events. The word has evolved from being a mere collection of the past to being a collection of significant past events. From the birth and death of the Pharaoh of ancient Egypt, to the one second mechanical process within the revolver which vomited the 2-inch spear, ending the life of President Abraham Lincoln.

But, how would an audience feel if they are told that the most significant events in the history of mankind and the universe in entirety, are not recorded in the great books of public knowledge?

Yes, wars of gargantuan importance have erupted and ended throughout history; but unknown wars of even greater significance have taken place. Scientific inventions and ground-breaking theories were created by great minds such as Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton; yet there have been greater scientific accomplishments in history that the world knows not about.

There is an academia, operating within the shadows of the pseudo academia which we are cognizant of. This academia has been known only to the enlightened - a term which shall be explained in due course.
The peculiarity of this secret academia is not in its proficiently structured secrecy, but rather in its basis for existence. 'Spirituale est clavem'  is a Latin statement which transliterates to 'the spiritual is the key'. This statement is the foundation of the entire academia. It means that whatever is known to us is merely half of what there is to know. Human beings do not inhabit this world alone, they do so with plants and animals; but these three types of organisms are not the sole denizens of the planet earth ... or the universe for that matter.

There are beings which live amongst us; some invisible to the eyes, others visible but disguised. There are unnatural elements which play large roles in the actuation of natural scientific activities and processes, but are expurgated from the formula books due to its inexplicability.
The world of ano-science brings those complex elements of life in order to fully explain life itself. The word prefix 'ano' is an adoption of the Greek word for superior which is 'anoteros'. It is called superior science because it is believed that normal human science, or meio-science with 'meio' being an adoption of Greek 'meiosi' meaning inferior, only explains the world as it is seen. What happens to the part of the world that remains unseen, yet exists?

At this point, it would be appropriate for members of an audience to brace themselves, open their minds, and pause their mutterings as they shall be plunged headfirst into a world of convoluted elucidation, scientific dicoveries, and of course lest it be forgotten, the burnt pages of history.

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His name was Von Wielder. He was a German who made his mark on the world of science. But before there is a procession into the professional life of this great man, his personal life must be encroached on from the onset; and where better to begin from than the womb of his mother.

In the year 1956, there was a conception in the  Mitgefuhl clinic in Bavaria. A healthy 7-pound baby was held in the arms of Mrs Wielder, with cries being produced from its vocal chords. Mrs Wielder was very happy because she finally had her fifth and final child in her arms. She looked into his eyes and said, "I shall call you my little Von".
At that moment, Von had acquired the name with which he would be referred to by millions.

When Von Wielder began to devolop physically and cognitively, he excited the awe of everyone around him. He was a precocious child who uttered his first word just six months after his birth. Perhaps his most remarkable juvenile trait was his ability to unmistakeably play Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 Emperor, at the age of five.
His piano teacher, which he persuaded his parents to employ was bewildered as the toddler protege whom he taught only level one basics to, played the piano that summer evening. When Von was asked how he learned to play the piano so well, he reponded with, "I hear it on radio everyday, so I tried to use what Mr Velch taught me, and play it."


Von grew up to become a handsome man with an abnormally large brain, figuratively connoting that is. His elementary and secondary education was marked by a procession of frequent double promotions, leading him to the foot of the University of Edinburgh; an academy which disseminated foundations of knowledge to some great historic minds, including the meio-naturalist known as Charles Darwin.
At the university, he was introduced into the world of biology which seemed to amaze him thoroughly. He was particularly attracted to marine biology.

Finally, the main point has been reached. An introduction has been made, and now a sequential course of events which took place in the university and led to the rooftop jump must be enumerated in literary form.

"The Dean would like to see you now Master Von." The receptionist announced. Von Wielder marvelled at the alacrity with which he was being attended to. He usually enjoyed the way he was treated at the university; it was as though he always had on a royalty indicative regalia which was visible to all except himself.

The Dean had summoned him ten minutes ago for reasons he was not aware of. It was quite unusual for Dean Warlington to send for him on a weekend.

Von gently pushed the door open and slid into the office. A magnificent room the office was. Decorative wares of fine quality hung, laid, and stood across the corners and walls of the place. The large soft carpet which covered the floor was attractively designed and added greatly to the artistic aura of the room.
Behind the dean's desk, hung on the wall, coruscated an excellently painted facsimile of Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn's 1692 painting titled 'The Nightwatch'. It was evident that Dean Warlington was a conneiseur of artworks.

"Good evening sir."

"Ah, Master Von, it is a delight that you are here. You must forgive me for pulling you out of your chambers at this time of the week." Dean Warlington was a very polite man. His short stature, coupled with the long nose which his circular spectacles rested upon, gave him a most comical look. When he spoke, his bushy moustache moved along like a shrub being perturbed by a lurking tiger stalking its prey.
The way he called Von was also a trigger of laughter. The emphasis which he placed on the 'V' produced a sound that that of an ignited car engine.

"There is no offense to be pardonned sir. I presume whatever you wish to discuss of great importance."

"Oh yes, yes, of course." Dean Warlington scratched his head and verbigerated the words "of course" whilst attempting to remember what he intended to tell Von.

"Aha!" The Dean yelled rather loudly. His old mind had just produced the information he frisked for.

"Master Von, are you au fait with the organization called Jonathan Hawkings Institute of Marine Biology and Research?"

"Indeed sir; it is a large American research institute owned by multi-millionaire Jonathan Hawkings."

"Capital Master Von! So you of course know of the institute's international reputation as one of the top in the world."

"Yes sir."

"Good; now here is the status quo. I recieved a request from the institute yesterday, and due to my hesternal incommodiousness, I could not communicate it to you immediately. The request is with regards to you, Master Von. The institute asked me to send you specifically to undertake a new research of a most delicate nature. They say that they require only the brightest minds, and thus, you. Your essay submitted under the Haut monde Science Competition got you the institute's attention. So Master Von, what is your response."

Von Wielder held his chin between his thumbs and index finger, as he pondered briefly upon the situation. He had always been tired of the small researches he had been helping his professors and other meagre institutions of extraneous origins; he knew that he wanted to begin a major research, and this could be it. Yet, he felt that this was not big enough for him.

"What is the intended timeframe for the study?"

"One year, four months," the Dean replied.

Von sat silently for a few seconds and then, "Yes sir, I shall partake in the research."

That was the first major decision which set Von Wielder on the path to his fall.
Decisions are tricky things. A future is unknown, but the outcome of certain decisions lead to that same future. It is said that the future is permanent, and that everything has been predestined to happen even before the elements involved came to be. The only thing that changes the path to the future is the decisions humans make.